Wednesday, October 31, 2012

An emotional week

And it's only Wednesday.  I don't exactly have the time to be blogging right now so I will make this short.

  Algebra sucks.

Yesterday in class I had to turn off my camera because I couldn't grasp the concept and got lost right from the beginning.  The farther he went into the lesson, the more overwhelmed I became, which led to lots and lots of tears, and every time I raised my hand to ask a question, and he called on me, I choked up.  YEP in front of the whole class.  Embarrassment wasn't my biggest issue at this point.  All I could think about was how I missed the assignment, and quiz, and now I can't even think about grasping week 2's lesson, and there is no way I am going to pass this course...cue more tears.

    Now that I am crying uncontrollably and there is no possible way I can obtain any information, I want to end the session, i.e.; give up.  But I can't because if I do that, then I will lose precious class points.  So there must be a glimmer of hope in there somewhere so I keep listening.  Then I am getting worked up because I am so far behind I cannot possibly understand at this point.  I see all my other classmates get the concept, and feel even more like algebra is my enemy, and my brain simply cannot, will not there is truly a misfire there.

  Eventually I get the nerve to raise my hand again.  The words won't come, no voice without tears GRRR.  (This is like, but not worse than when the Admiral came to our ship and they chose me to take his dinner order because I was best suited for the job and I froze!  I'll leave it up to you to guess if there were tears in that situation. ) The instructor realizes I am having another moment and begins to move on, but WAIT!  The words come!  Halleleua I am able to ask a question!!  He realizes how far back I got lost and works with me through the break.  The reason I did not stop him in the beginning was that he stressed wanting to get through the first part quickly so we could spend more time on the word problems.  So he cleared up some of it for me, and I was able to move on...somewhat.

  I joined a tutoring session after class and got a little more help, then tried to do it totally on my own later and was lost.  Hmmm.

My house is a disaster.
I am doing horrible at algebra
The laundry is folded and in baskets
I need to know the workings of the heart and cardio respiratory system by the end of the week
The weight of my life is on me

I pray
I run
I feel better.

This has been a very emotional week.  I cannot let my emotions take control.  I am casting my eyes on things above, things not of this world.  I will get through this somehow.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

As I am sitting here waiting for Apache to download since it seemingly crashed and this is a second install, I am thinking about the fact that it didn't crash until I was in a position to fix it.  A curious thought for sure.  I am going to say this is part of God helping me succeed.  I think if Oo.o ( would have  crashed right before I wanted to take my final exam, I probably wouldn't be in any position to blog right now due to hyperventilation.

  What have I been up to?

I have been taking it easy so to speak since my half marathon.  I have been trying to watch my diet since I haven't been getting as much exercise in.  Reason being that this was the end of a 5 week module.  I am still not clear on what that all means, but all the classes I take are in 5 week chunks.  The last week is the most crazy because instructors want assignments in early because they have to have grades by the end of the week.

Next week starts the craziest next 14 months of my life (I thought the last 5 weeks were something!). I am going into Anatomy and Physiology, and Algebra.  For those of you who know me, I hope you have dropped everything  and went directly to prayer.  All jokes aside, I do need prayer for this one as I struggle to learn, and when I have to focus on more than just learning, my struggle can become overwhelming, intimidating and stressful.  I just need to remain calm and peaceful.

I haven't run since the half on Sunday (today is Friday) because I wanted to give myself a break from running.  I have gone up the last two nights and done weight training and stair steps.  I do plan to run, but not as long of distances until maybe spring or summer...unless I can't wait that long :).

The half marathon went well.  I originally signed up for it because I did not want my exercising to lapse while I was busy being a student.  Things got pretty intense trying to incorporate running with school.  It seemed everything was spilling into what little family time I already had :(.  I was so excited to get to run with my new friend Christina.  She and I have such a similar running start story, and we go at the same pace.  About 2 weeks before the race her foot was giving her real trouble.  She called me to give me a heads up about it.  I told her to not feel guilty if she had to drop out because I originally signed up for the race by myself, then I told her with that being said, I really want to be able to run this with you.  When we first met we were both nervous about trying to run with anyone because we had both done our training alone.  After a few months of running and a half marathon under our belt we felt confident enough that we could run together and truly enjoy it.

 She called me 2 days before the race and regretfully informed me that she would not be able to run :(.  This made me sad, for Christina, and for myself.  I didn't want to be selfish, but I couldn't help feeling that way.  When I got to the race Christina was there for support!  She was sad she couldn't be a part of it...I could tell.  I was sad but was trying to act like I wasn't so she wouldn't have one more thing to feel bad about.  Never kick a person when they are down.

  Before I seen Christina I went over to the start sign to take my picture in front of it, there were groups of women taking photos of each other, a couple of them asked me to take their picture.  I didn't mind, but was really wishing I had someone to take a picture with.  See, as much as a runner enjoys a good race, and may spend the majority of the race not talking, if you have no one there to be with can be a lonely very big place.  I asked this lady to take my picture and she did.

This is about an hour before the race

I had everything I needed to start, I had my lucky socks, my lanyard Emily bought and I wore on my first half, and my water bag.  I will have you know that a long sleeve shirt was not an appropriate choice for this race.  It was very humid and got rather warm during the race.  I will say though that the weather was perfect for running conditions.

Some Uh Oh! moments:
When I had turned in my bag, and was strapping everything on, I realized I didn't have my arm band for my phone, NOR did I have my heart rate monitor that I was so curious about wearing.  I went back to the bag check, and got my HRM, but my arm band was no where to be seen.  I was rather dismayed.  Then I heard the lady yelling to me, she took the time to look around the area and seen that I had dropped it by the bench!  The volunteers at this race were so kind!

What I remember about the race:
Here is a view of the Columbia as I was running by, also we passed under the I-5 Washington/Oregon Bridge which was pretty cool.  There is a route around Portland where one can run the bridges, I would like to do that one day...when I get over my fear of Portland. 
This is the view of the river

I met these really cool people from "Team Joleen", apparently Joleen was a big inspiration for this race. (They said I could be on their team :))

I remember running through Fort Vancouver, and near Pearson Air Field.  There are some pretty sweet things to look at, and the fall scenery was incredible!  I was in a lot of pain to fully enjoy it though.  All I could do was look for the finish line...not what I wanted to be thinking/doing.

I remember running past the Fred Meyers that can be seen off Hwy 14 just before it hits I-5 and knowing I only had a couple more miles to go, wondering how I was going to make it.  Then getting behind these three very fit looking ladies, who seemed to run with such ease...they were pissing me off.

I remember running up this demanding hill and raising my hands in victory when I conquered it (hoping I didn't look like a jerk) It was a moment for really only me to see.  I do that a lot when I am running alone. don't judge.

I was trying to capture the look and the feeling (moment) of what it feels like to be in the midst of a half Marathon...I want to say this is a little more than half way.

I remember seeing sweat soaked bodies, and one lady having removable arm sleeves, thinking to myself how those would have been removed ages ago if I were wearing them!  And wishing I wouldn't be too embarrassed to run in my sports bra...but even if I wasn't, there were a lot of little kids on that route...wouldn't want to scare anyone ;)

I remember seeing the finish line and just going all out sprint to get the best possible time, and then seeing the man I love the most at the finish, just like he said he would be <3.

I remember putting my foot up to take off my timing chip and having to lean on the lady helping me so I wouldn't fall from exhaustion.

I remember the paramedic asking me if I was okay when I went to get up from the curb.

I remember the tough times, and I remember the feeling of accomplishment.

Thank you guys for reading my race recap, and life story.  Hopefully the next time I talk to you, I will know a little something about Anatomy and Physiology...and Algebra!!!